I’ve been thinking I might have a go at writing some “open when” letters for Popeye. I’m sure you’ve all heard of them. Maybe some of you have even sent them, if you have I’m a teeny but in awe/jelly.
“Open when” letters are letters you write before they deploy that they can open when they’ve deployed at various pre stipulated points.
For example they might say “open when…
- You’re missing me
- It’s your birthday
- It’s our anniversary
- You’ve had a bad day
- You’ve reached the halfway point of the deployment.
But (you knew there would be a but didn’t you!) they just ain’t my style.
If me and Popeye were to do this, there would be some serious reality checks involved.
First of all I don’t know when the fuck I would find the time to write a dozen or so poignant declarations of love and reassurance. I barely have time to wash myself or go for a wee in private. Also I’d much rather spend those last few days actually hanging out with Popeye.
Secondly I’m 95%sure Popeye would either read them all in one sitting or forget about them until I mentioned them on the phone and/or the night before homecoming. Kind of ruins the magic a tad.
Thirdly I would be so tempted to put joke answers inside. I don’t think I can be trusted not to be a complete cow and do something like this-
“Open when… you feel like crying” *Popeye, with a sniff, opens letter*
“….ha ha ha ….tit…”
Or “open when…. you are homesick”
*opens letter, maybe a bit more guarded this time*
“….man up or hand in your notice… p.s it’s horrible here anyway…”.
Yeah maybe that’s not the best way to go.
Got it. I’m going to write him “Open when” letters, for a real (as in boring and normal) military relationship, my ideas so far include:
- Open when…you’ve spent £200-500 on a night out, phone me from the dockside at 3am slurring, have fallen over and can’t figure out how to hold your phone and stand up at the same time
- Open when… you forgot to top up your phone card and we get cut off mid conversation. Even though I reminded you yesterday.
- Open when… you haven’t emailed me for days because you’re “so busy” at work but there are Facebook photos of you by the pool and/or selfie with a monkey in gib.
- Open when… you realise I’ve spent hours buying, packing and posting out parcels to you and you moan I forgot to put in jelly beans.
- Open when… you think it’s a sane idea to give me parenting suggestions from hundreds of miles away
- Open when… you’re on a beach sipping cocktails and seriously say that you’d rather be here in rainy old Blighty than a tropical beach paradise luxury resort
- Open when… you casually mention on the phone you’ve been doing the T25 work out for the last two months and how it’s going really well knowing full well I’m halfway down a bottle of rosé and have eaten an entire Terry’s chocolate orange since you rang.
And the best thing about this is that I can save time and effort in the contents of the letters! A one-word-fits-all “open when” letter system!
I’ll let you know how I get on,
P.s the choc orange was totally worth it.