Brain farts

They say it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. That being said, it must also be a woman’s prerogative to drive herself loopy with contradictions.

Some of these brain farts I have already covered in other posts, such as when I don’t want Popeye anywhere near me, yet cling to his tear stained t-shirt like a limpet crossed with a banshee (see “why doesn’t he just go already”). Others include hating time with a passion, then loving time equally as much, all depending on one key factor, is he home or not .

All the time my brain is behaving in this contradictory manner, I am doing my own head in. I don’t understand why I am so backwards and mental and generally slightly unhinged. Moreover I don’t understand how or why Popeye copes with it. I don’t know if it’s happened since I became a navy wife, or is a consequence of being one. I.e do you have to be mad to love a sailor, or does marrying a sailor make you mad?

This debate goes round and round in my head many times during a deployment. I think it when I start to cry over finding a snotty tissue he’s left in his jeans pocket, I think it when I start laughing manically after I’ve packed away all the Xbox crap very important game paraphernalia. I think it when I find myself scowling at happy couples in the street, and I think it when I have a full on adrenaline rush when the phone starts ringing.

But the time when I seriously begin to doubt my sanity is when I have just received the holy grail of contact (as a couple we still have not mastered Skype, I know, I know, how do we cope etc). I’m talking about the much awaited, much anticipated phone call.

So you all know my response to the ringing phone, and my mad phone ninja skills. What I haven’t covered is the completely irrational response I have after ending the call.

This response has no bearing on the quality of the call, it can be long, short, detailed, sober, drunk, end with “I love yous” or end with being cut off. The point is, dear readers, is that there are many many times when after the phone call I have catapulted into complete and utter despair. Like, total meltdown depressed, crying, hugging the bemused dog who tries in vain to escape, eating a whole tub of Ben and Jerrys, despair.

A navy wife friend said to me that this is the reason she prefers emails, because at least then you can plan what to say, be excited to receive the next message, and revisit the conversation, I must say I’m beginning to agree with her, she writes a good blog, you can find a link to it here actually.

I have no real reason as to why the odd call makes me feel so crap. I have many theories, ranging from me being hormonal, to jealous that he is having fun without me, to possibly me simply not being a normal person.

Usually, for other people, wives and girlfriends, when their partner or loved one does something or gives them something that they have wanted for a long time, the response is happiness, gratitude and love.

Not for me! I get pissed off! And sad! And annoyed! And I wish he just hadn’t even bothered ringing because now I have to watch the second half of Downton Abbey feeling annoyed at Mrs Bates, because even if Mr Bates is in prison, at least she gets to bloody see him!!!

I can’t even finish this post with a heart warming summary, or an insightful commentary. Because I literally have no idea why I react like this after some phone calls. There’s no pattern, no way to predict it.

Stupid brain farts.

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