Goodbyes. They ain’t pretty.
And I’ve got something awful to tell you. Something I’ve only just figured out after almost 5 years of marriage.
They DONT GET EASIER.
I assumed that they would. Surely they HAVE TO. Right?
The first goodbye was head spinningly, puke inducingly, hot and cold flashingly – surreal.
I stumbled back to the car at the train station and sped off before Popeye had even made it over the train station walk way bridge. He turned around (apparently to give me a last romantic wave and blow me a kiss)- to hear wheels screeching, to see me speeding off with clouds of l&b smoke coming out of the drivers window and some probably angry “girl power” music blaring. Just the classy, elegant stage exit I was aiming for. Not.
Next time round I was a mess. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t breathe and got snot on his coat. See this time I knew. I knew how hard it was going to be.
I knew it was real. I knew it would take work. I knew long lonely evenings stretched out ahead of me. I knew the harsh reality of no contact was not romantic. That sending parcels did not equate to spending time together.
I knew I was going to have to dig deep. Again. I was going to have to endure side ways head tilts from well meaning people and people telling me how bloody strong I am. Again.
In short part of my panic and grief was because there was no illusion left. I had done my first deployment.
The level of shiteness of the goodbye stayed the same to be honest, over the next few goodbyes. It never got easier to be fair. And I would sway wildly between hysterical-crying-snot-monster and dangerous-driver-denial-woman.
Side note: I’ve always wanted to master the “black and white film star” goodbye. You know, with me standing there on the train platform, or dockside, or even (more likely) car park/lay by. And my makeup is fresh and dewy and my hair is immaculate and I have a hat on. And I wave him off with a kiss and a single tear glistening on my cheek.
A bit like this:
This has never happened. It’s more like when Bellatrix Lestrange loses it in Harry Potter.
So yes the awfulness of the goodbye kind of plateaued for a while.
Until we had Sweetpea. Then this whole other level of goodbye horribleness opened up like a cess pit hidden under a rubbish tip.
They are getting harder. So much harder in fact that I am seriously considering telling Popeye to just disappear, to sneak off and not tell us he’s going. I know I would wake up, realise he’s gone and turn into a kraken but by then he would be safely aboard a warship and (fairly) out of my wraths reach.
At the moment, on his side of things he’s finding it so difficult and heart breaking to look into his daughters baby blues and say the G word, that he’s considering packing it all in and maybe *whispers*- leaving the navy.
I know, right?!?!
To be fair he has considered leaving approx 5,285 times since I met him. He mentions it at least once a week. So I don’t think it’s a totally serious idea, yet.
But what happens when these frankly cruel 9 month deployments start up for us in 2016? Which we did NOT sign up for ?
In fact I’m sure there are hundreds of naval families and couples up and down the UK feeling the same.
Anyway the ugly truth is out. And I’m sorry to be one to break it to you. Unless I’m wrong and I’m just getting wimpier?! God I hope that’s true for all our sakes!
Still I know I can do it. It’s just usually the more you do something the easier it becomes, right? So how come this law of nature is not applying to our goodbyes?
Maybe Brian Cox knows.
Muchos love x
10 thoughts on “Saying goodbye. The ugly truth. ”
You pretty much have me in tears at my desk. Not a good start to a Monday morning. Absolutely soaked walking to work from station. Biblical, I mean BIBLICAL rain – leaking boots etc), then, no water in the kitchen. Then I read this. And knowing this will be my life again next year. Keep trying to tell myself “it’ll be fine”. After a cushy year with no deployments. And now a plan for a baby and a relocation. I NEVER WANTED TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A MILITARY MAN!
I’m sorry! Not my intention! Should’ve stuck a warning on my post I guess. And in the words of Carl Meyer (desperate housewives reference!) “the heart wants what it wants!” Hope your day got better X
Ah myself and 10 month old baby are just over a week away from completing our first 9month deployment! Saying goodbye on that cold February morning, baby very unhappy and mummy very unhappy which then resulted in grown man sobbing is not a memory I like to have! Hubby did manage to get two weeks (Erm ten days!!) leave, where he saw his 5 week old baby had suddenly turned into a 7 month old and when he finally comes home again, he will be greeted by a toddler! It is hard ladies, 9 months is a very, very long time!
That is a true measure of resilience and your strength of character. Your husband should be so so proud of you. You can do anything now mama bear! X
9 months is too long! Just under 5 weeks away from finishing my first deployment (not his first, our first together. His first 9 monther though) and it’s pants! I hope they realise their mistake and change them back 😦
So do I Sarah so do I! And WELL DONE. You my dear are my living proof that it is doable, it’s just crap. So really it’s crapable. Enjoy your homecoming X
30 + years for me – it got a little easier as the kids got bigger but now they are grown up its all downhill again! Harder to get hold of him on ships than it ever was on subs ( hows that work then lol) and I know he’s just thinking of me when he tells me not to come to meet him ‘ if I don’t want to ‘( its only been a short deployment) but it always translates to ( he hasn’t been too the pub for a while and if I meet him I will scupper that visit too) lol I wouldn’t swap him for the world, he’s a pain but he’s MY pain! 😘
I’ve decided ships are just more likely to break than subs. Subs are like the secret agents of the military vessel sphere, ships are more like 80s police detectives with moustaches and leather jackets. X
I needed to read this, and to know that the snotty, blotchy mess that I am right now, sat in the airport with people staring is absolutely totally normal (I too always wish I could be that composed beautiful movie star whose lip doesn’t quiver and one tear doesn’t turn into full on hysterics). The mad thing in all of this is our ability to see each other whenever we want – by booking a flight. But that’s still 1000 miles apart, not living together, not eating dinner together, feeling the void in the bed, for the next 2 YEARS. It doesn’t ever sink in until it’s here does it? 💔
Oh chick, I saw your tweet about this. I hope you’re feeling a less shit about the situation now. Although it is a shit situation. Just keep thinking of when you can look back and think “omg- we DID that!” That day WILL come. X